Over the past week I have been swept up in the drama of my life situation. Depression has visited as has anger, confusion, sadness and sobbing. And all this in response to what I perceive is happening to me. The drama flares up and for a time I believe that I am angry or I am depressed and I look for ways to escape these feelings and feel good again.
The light of awareness however is too strong now for this kind of identification with emotional and thought forms to last for very long. An hour after a sobbing fit I sat on the bed and felt the release of tension, fully immersed in the sensation of muscles relaxing and breath deeply entering my body. It felt refreshing after the intense humidity of worry and anxiety about health, money and relationships. The torrential tears and heavy sobbing felt so cleansing, like a welcome storm on a summers night refreshing the hot earth and cooling the closeness of the air. All that was left after the drama of believing myself to be at risk from these feelings was wonder and appreciation. Ah! Look! Sobbing, tears lashing my cheeks, the tension of holding my breath for too long broken by the honesty of admitting I can’t control this, I can’t hold it all up, I can do nothing in fact but simply be and that happens without me doing it.
On Saturday morning the drama had flared again, this time with rage and anger. Raw, passionate life energy blazed in the living room. Such fiery anger, such energy! To begin with I tell myself this should not be happening, that it’s not allowed to happen. But it IS happening and once again I admit I do not know what it is, only that it is. What actually is this energy? It’s fire, it’s raw and powerful, it’s throwing a book across the room, it’s kicking the chair. When the heat has died down I sit and look in wonder. I pick up the book and the chair and rub my shin, marvelling that there is no bruise forming.
This is aliveness, this is life flowing. It’s beautiful in it’s own way, even this darkness has a life and an ugly beauty about it. Ah! Look! What is it? Anger? What is that? Energy, sensations in the body, heat, intensity and power flowing through my body. And then the storm passes, the birds begin singing again in the trees, the sun peeks from behind the clouds, the air is still and clean.
There is a jewel in the mud of this drama that flares. All life is precious. The mud is a beautiful treasure in itself, providing rich nutrients for life to flourish. A young cherry tree, rooted in the dark muddy earth, fed with tears from the dark menacing clouds and bathed in love from the sun will soon produce fruit. Sweet jewels, delicious sweet rubies.
And there is such thanks for it all. Such thanks for the drama and the tears and the anger and the tension. Such thanks for the walk in the country park later that day, such thanks for the walled garden where the black cat sat with us while we enjoyed the peace of the pink flowers dancing in the sunlight.