What I Remember Now

(First Draft – 8:55pm Tuesday 27th January 2015)

I remember that when I was in pain
and felt small and alone
and hated and rejected
it was easy for me to poke fun
the ones who were different
or the ones who were strange
or the ones who were not like me

I remember that when
I felt ashamed and when
I felt that there was something wrong with me
it was easy to find something wrong
with the others

the ones who were not like me

and I remember that when I did not let
fear and hatred and shame and disgust
move in me and shift and transform and
dissolve and ease and rest and evaporate
it held onto me and I became harsh
and brittle and fixed and stagnant

and I caused pain to others around me
they were not the same
and everywhere I looked
I saw and felt hatred and anger
and saw and felt darkness and
heaviness and shame

and though my acts of anger or violence were
small and seemingly insignificant
they were borne of the same primordial insecurity
as all acts of hatred and murder and violence

the root of the fear and loneliness within me
when I lashed out
are the roots from which great evil can grow
to industrial proportions
when we hold on to it
and water it
and let it grow

I remember
to let it go
I remember that it need not come home with me
and sit and my table and join me for tea

I remember that there is a light beyond the
light of day and the night
beyond before and after

and it never goes out
it never goes out

And when I see the news on TV and
read about the horror that I do to you
and you do to me
I remember that in my own forgetful way
I am trying to remember…

To remember that you are me
and that I am you
and that before
before and after
we were friends
innocent in play
and free in our laughter

And then
I remember.

I remember that there is a love
that has no name
and no size and no shape
and no gender and no leader
and no colour and no language
and no boarders and no edges
and no beginning and no end

and there is not a person or a being
that this love that I remember

will not call friend.